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No parent starts out in the morning planning to make his child miserable. No
mother says to herself, "Today I'll yell, nag, humiliate and hurt my child
whenever possible." On the contrary. Yet, we often find ourselves doing
just that - and doing things we don't mean, in a tone we don't like.-
Haim Ginott, child psychologist
The formation of the self-image begins very early in a child and is
largely the product of relationships with parents and early caretakers.
During infancy, relationships with the mother and father are especially important. It
is the parent who makes the child feel she or he is good or bad, accepted or rejected,
that the world is a hostile or friendly place. Self-image is further developed and
modified later by others in the family and, as the child ventures outside the family, by
other groups and individuals.
Whether the child will be a confident, self-assured person or a fearful, guilt-ridden
one depends very much on the treatment he or she receives. Several ways parents and others
affect a child's feelings of self-worth are reviewed in this fact sheet.
Avoid labelling
If the child's self-image, derived from relationships with parents and others, is that
she is bad or not worth much, there is a tendency to live up to that expectation - hence
the self-fulfilling prophecy. Persons with low self-esteem expect to be stepped on
by others because they feel they're of little worth. Expecting the worst, they invite it
and usually get it.
Labelling complicates discipline and affects self-worth in three ways:
- child's self-concept;
- parent's perception of the child; and
- parent's behaviour toward the child.
Unconditional positive regard
Perhaps the most basic prescription for assuring a child's feeling of self-worth is a
generous dose of parental love and tenderness - that "unconditional positive
regard." The emphasis is on total or nearly total acceptance of the child .
Acceptance is easy if the child always does what the parent wants. But total acceptance
means that even when the child does something undesirable, the parent still shows
acceptance for the child while conveying displeasure for what the child did.
To build a healthy self-image in a child, appreciate him for what he is - not for what
he does. It helps if adult attitudes convey the message, "We like you because you're
you. It's great when you bring home a good report card. This gives me a warm feeling. But
we love you just because you're you. You don't have to win our love with your
successes."
Children need to feel worthwhile, but many don't. Feeling worthwhile comes from an
abundance of love and attention.
What about your own experiences?
How many of us were told or helped to feel accepted and good about ourselves? How many
of us grew up feeling really loved? How many times were we made to feel no good, not to be
trusted, incompetent or inadequate, worthless? These things greatly affect our confidence
in trying new things, venturing out on the journey of life, reaching out to people,
accepting ourselves and others.
As parents go about the business of civilizing their child, the child is often left
with the feeling he can't do anything right. So while you must teach them how to use the
fancy plumbing fixtures and cutlery, remember to show your children there are lots of
things they do that please you.
Cheer your child's accomplishments
To feel good about themselves, children must also feel that what they do and what they
have learned are important. So give your child lots of positive verbal feedback by
providing opportunities for success and recognizing these successes. "Catch them
being good" and offer attention, approval and appreciation for that behaviour. Such
recognition makes children feel good and reinforces the behaviour for which they're being
recognized.
If children are told often enough that they're dumb, they may believe it and become
just that.
Interest and attention
Just simply paying attention to your child, talking to her, showing interest in her
activities and efforts, will make her feel important. If she comes to you with a drawing,
don't say, "My goodness, what is that supposed to be?" Show interest and
appreciation for her efforts. If you're not sure what it is, ask her to tell you about it.
Parents face many demands for their time and energy and it's easy to forget to pay
attention. But showing an interest in your children not only makes them feel good, but can
actually save time. If the only way your child can get attention is to be rowdy and
disruptive, than that's how she'll behave. This, of course, is a self-defeating pattern.
To help break this cycle, one child psychologist suggests setting "office hours"
for children if your time is limited. Let them know, for example, that you are at their
disposal from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.
Accept children as individuals
A child's good feelings about himself hinge on his parent's acceptance of him as an
individual in his own right, with his own abilities and limitations.
But in their eagerness to have their children excel, some parents make the mistake of
comparing one child with another. This competitiveness often boomerangs, causing a child
to feel that he must be something or somebody to win his parents' approval. Instead of
trying to be what he's not, a child must develop an appreciation for himself exactly as he
is. Keep in mind that children in the same family are often very unlike each other. Alice
may be brighter than Peg, Joe more athletic than Paul, but when respected for their
individuality, children can develop the self-confidence they need to stimulate enthusiasm
for living and learning.
You should use each child's abilities and interests as cues, instead of forcing your
ambitions on them to try and realize your own lost dreams.
Help them to be non-prejudiced
Helping children acquire self-esteem, humane values and unprejudiced attitudes involves
the patient, persistent teaching of concepts such as:
- All people are individual human beings worthy of dignity, are interesting and
important.
If children are to grow up with a sense of their own dignity, they must learn to think
of other people as individuals with dignity, and not simply as members of groups who have
in common physical characteristics or religious customs.
Children should learn there are good and bad people in all groups and that it's wrong
to judge or condemn anyone because of race, colour or faith.
All over the globe, family relationships exist and children have similar needs and
enjoy similar pleasures. All people - everywhere - work, play, celebrate holidays and
enjoy family gatherings. This concept can be strengthened by exposing youngsters to the
music, dances and games of different cultures.
- Human variety is interesting, exciting and essential to human advancement.
Teach your children uniqueness is to be valued and appreciated. Differences between
people are as important as their likenesses. Each child's uniqueness should be approached
in a casual, matter-of-fact way. This acknowledges to the child that the difference
exists, it is accepted and that she can feel proud to exist as she is - differences,
shortcomings and all. After all, our likenesses make us human, our differences
make us individuals.
- All parents everywhere want essentially the same things for their children.
All parents want their children to grow up being and feeling equal, comfortable,
responsible and effective in the world they live in. Parents want their children to know
their actions count and to be aware that their physical and mental capacities are as good
as anyone's. But, at the same time, to know that all people are different.
- The right to be what you are.
We should all respect and support our right to be different. The contributions of
people from different groups to sports, the arts and sciences highlight the talents people
have that are quite apart from their ethnic background. It is the individual that is
valuable, regardless of the group he may come from.
Set reasonable limits
It's clear that before children can think well of others they must think well of
themselves. So, in order to raise cooperative, responsible children, parents have to
provide them with the chance to acquire positive ideas about themselves. Setting standards
of behaviour for children provides them with the means to measure how well they are doing,
in addition to teaching them what's safe and proper to do. Limits also tell youngsters how
other people will judge their behaviour. Limits can serve as road signs to guide children.
For example, if Peggy, age three, is supposed to stay on the sidewalk and does it, she
knows she can take care of herself. If Billy, age six, is supposed to hang up his clothes
and does it, he knows he's competent and successful.
Living up to parental expectations gives children the reassuring sense that their world
is predictable, and that they are competent to move in it.
However, parents must clearly define and enforce limits on children's behaviour. Limits
must be reasonable, based on the child's age, and must be understood by the child.
Moreover, rules shouldn't change from day-to-day and must be enforced. (A rule that's not
enforced is worse than no rule at all.)
If no demands are made on children, they'll miss the chance to prove to themselves that
they're competent and feel it won't matter if they try or not.
Setting reasonable limits is an important way of casting a vote of confidence for your
child, but try not to make demands that are beyond her capabilities. Be realistic about
what she can accomplish.
Focus on situations and conditions
Here are a few guidelines for parents to help their children attain self-esteem:
- When things go wrong, talk about your dissatisfaction with the situation, not the
child. Describe what you see, what you feel and what needs to be done. If you feel angry,
vent the anger, but without the insult.
- When things go right, give recognition to the facts. If a child's done something
well, comment on the accomplishment and the feeling of satisfaction, not what a great
person he is.
- When a child demeans himself, don't contradict his views but acknowledge the
child's opinion sympathetically and then state your own opinion clearly. Convey positive
regard and demonstrate love and understanding. Denials are of little help to a child.
Treat the child as a thinking being
The parent who disciplines and speaks to his child as if dealing with another thinking
being - which of course he is - will provide the best possible preparation for the years
ahead.
Eye contact
Having to look up constantly at the person with whom you are relating affects how you
feel about yourself, so establishing eye contact with your child is important. This may
mean you must sit down while talking to your child, but this simple gesture is important
to the development of her self-esteem.
Embarrassing children
Children's feelings are more easily wounded than an adult's. Young minds are stung by
what they see as contempt or ridicule, by lack of consideration or intrusion on their
privacy. They may brood bitterly over such experiences, yet refrain from speaking for fear
of more painful humiliation.
Most parents don't deliberately set out to embarrass their children. It usually happens
because they're not thinking or are preoccupied with their own feelings. Try to be
sensitive to a child's reaction to what you say and how you say it.
Help your child acquire skills
Another ingredient in building a child's self-image is to see that she acquires skills.
Developing these image-building skills can begin very early in life with experiences such
as toilet training, learning to ride a tricycle and learning to take turns.
Learning such skills build a child's image among her peers. Children have to earn their
own way and those who have skills other children respect are likely to be accepted by
their peers.
Birthdays
Long before he fully understands what birthdays are all about, a child knows his
birthday is a big day and crows with delight because everybody else knows it too. Parents
or others can make a child feel good about himself by making his birthday a cause for
celebration, and build family traditions and happy memories at the same time. Convince
your child each birthday is one of the most important days in your life, as well as his.
For both, it is another milestone in the process of growing up.
Summary
- The ability to feel comfortable about yourself - to feel you are a worthwhile person -
is an important step in growing up.
- Before a child can like others, he must first be able to like himself.
- Because each child is different, they react differently to pressures and expectations
put upon them by themselves and by others. In order for all children to "come out
winners" parents must identify their children's limits and abilities and slowly teach
them to deal with each new stress that comes their way. Teaching them how to cope is the
greatest gift parents can give their children.
For Further Information See Your Local
Manitoba Agriculture,
Food and Rural Initiatives Office.
Prepared by:
Jill Falloon, PHEc
Home Economics Section
915 - 401 York Avenue
Winnipeg MB R3C OP8
Reviewed 2003
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